Family – Trauma, violence, abuse, denial… the makings of an addict… Concluded.

continuing from…

Listen to the rhythm, listen to the rhyme
Listen to the clock tick tock the hands of time
Ticking, tocking, constantly revolving
Listen to the problems of the world who need solving
Listen to the child crying in the crib
And listen to the sick act that the Daddy did
See Daddy turned his back on all of his responsabilities
Listen how Mummy copes to the best of her abilities
Listen to the cliche rapper that’s bragging
Listen to the mother who is always nagging
Her son to get up and do something with his life
Listen to the vows when ya marrying ya wife
Listen to the scream of a mother giving birth
Listen to the sorrows of our Mother Earth
Listen to the beggarman begging in the street
Please can you spare some change so I can get some food to eat
Listen to the plight of the homeless
And if you listen to the pessimists everything’s hopeless
Listen to your heart, listen to your soul
Listen to your conscience, let it take control
And just listen

Listen – Urban Species


I was an addict… I was traumatised… I’d been abused… I felt pain… No one would listen… It was ignored… suppressed…. I felt suffering… I was no longer an addict… finally someone listened.. The pain hadn’t gone… The suffering had…


Finally somebody listened, I felt better, not instantly… after a few hours i did for sure… and this morning I see or feel no fucking Albatross… The learning here is child’s play…

fixed

Yes there is room for good old fashioned gentle counseling. Well in my view.. where there is trauma; counselling / hypnotism / deep relaxation have their role to play. I got counsel from my Uncle and Auntie… I lost their son, my cousin along the way but he shut the door in my face, he had his reason, now my trauma has found an outlet then the semantics of the words ‘abuse denier’ seem harsh… Still his denial of me is/was a constant… maybe we’ll find a way. I ain’t so sure.

Was a difficult meeting, my subconscious was reaping havoc with me and I was very short tempered, I guess if I’d have suffered more denials then I would have gone skyward. It was a very big risk but one I had to take. Unfortunately I was also at the end with cigarettes as I transistioned to vaping for my nicotine fix… The speed burst poison additions in straight fags when denied to the brain and blood stream come off you like a Heroin mini opera… Totally twisting the head, again this morning I know I’m through the pain barrier with them. Big tobacco sure knew what they were doing with their design…. Yuk.

A favourite old Cocaine friend of mine always used to say to me ‘denial Paul, is not a river in Egypt…’ bless him , whenever I thought my pathological narcissism as a bag head was getting out of hand whilst high in the game, all I ever had to do was look at Dr Randolf and know I weren’t doing too bad on that level… aha ha ha ha ha … 🙂

If you come to me as a friend with tales of trauma / abuse / sadness whatever.. I got your back… I’ll go to war with you.. I’ll be your man, I don’t give a hell who the enemy is. #familyvalues… well, my family values anyway. This trauma had got too deep and I made a fatal error in judging others by my own standards or by what would be my own actions. Don’t set yourself up for failure, even in your darkest hours of trauma, this is so difficult to remember when your crying inside.

God knows the struggle to get heard was extremely traumatic bordering on break down levels / mild insanity coming to a head this week.

I lost a perfectly good cousin… But he closed the door  bust out of loyalty and that’s collateral… This had to out…

Out but not before I lost an Uncle… ‘No love lost’ as my serene and beautiful Gran used to say to us as kids when some fuckery had the misfortune to occur upon us. Lovely Gran also used to say ‘no sense, no feeling…’ both her maxims apply to this bully, this animal, this poor relation.

Beautiful Gran’s son… this self proclaimed head of the family a much maligned oxymoron moral compass, a man who’d lost his flow along time past… He came to my door with his Zenith of abuse to date, issued death threats… Proclaimed his happiness they my ‘cunt’ Father was dead… This all from a ‘man’ not fit to lace my Fathers shoe… Much more abuse was spouted from his coke and booze fueled cesspit mouth… Funny now, thinking back to his pathetic attempts to fight me… He was on his arse twice unsteady on his feet in a rage of trauma… Horrible fucker… for sure, it is the end for you and I, strangely enough in my last missive I put him and his lovely partner on a pedestal for saving me when I was younger… Shame you couldn’t stay constant you horrible bully. 

The trauma of the past hurts, the trauma of denial hurts, suppression hurts… all I needed was someone to listen to offer a holistic alternative to; prozac, heroin, booze, cocaine.. Pain relief. You actually listened, we got there. 

Yes, you are an old school couple, yes, you want to protect people, yes, you didn’t want to believe that abuse and bullying still existed after what we thought were gone days of darkness. You struggled with it, we wrangled… But because there were two females around the table with big hearts and without a history of pain and trauma as the two males had we were able to find a level. It was needed, I couldn’t go on in the knowledge that people thought ill of me when I was striving so hard to be a good man in all my actions and words.

You understood my decisions, you heard me out, I listened to your reason and we respected each other. This means I will not include you as collateral in my struggle, I will embrace you and move forward with you. You offered comfort and salvation to me as a child and now you do so again.

So… Collateral damage… I may have to lose a few more…. I’ve had to cut people as we are at this impasse, things may change but I am going to0 be very happy to carry on living my truth and helping others live theirs…. No living the truth as an ex-addict makes for failure in your quest for ‘recovered’ remember now, ‘in recovery’ is a life of suffering… Leave that to the God seekers… ‘Please all prey to end my addiction!’ etc what garbage.

Something had to be done, I could not suffer any more, I can feel pain and will bruise but the upside of being an ex-addict is that you have great insight into pain and suffering. Suffering will not stay long with me ever and I will always seek to remove it quickly. Yes I may have caused you pain however by closing the door, by choosing violence or ignorance YOU choose a double serving of suffering for yourself. I will forgive you all however.

My observations on suffering and trauma are now over for now. I feel released… anyday now, anyway how, you shall be released yourself dear reader… Address your fucking trauma head on… Yes you may go to the verge of insanity but then again there’s a good chance that you can set yourself free.. your mind, your addiction, your pain… your suffering can be burnt out… I suggested hypnotism by a trustee… I suggest an outlet – someone to listen but please make sure you think long and hard about who you choose if you choose family because I so nearly lost them all… Sister gone, Niece and Nephew gone, wretched bastard Uncle gone, a once kindred best mate cousin gone…. What have I gained though…

No more suffering….


 

from the anguish and pain, trial and tribulations and all the strains, my soul has suffered and now my soul con suffer no more, my soul will become happy, I can give and willingly give to those with sweetness and righteousness within, shall reside inside my precious soul, serenity, love and usefulness and obedience is the theme to my soul…

Space Spiritual – Nat Adderley Sextet


Never, ever did those words resonate so much as they do today. What a tune, look it up…

Shall be busy for a while now dear ex-addicts and addicts to be. The dinosaur age is over when it comes to addiction. There are ways out… Keep writing to me, ask of me anything, I got your backs… March on. pjk2011@gmail.com

Paul Kennedy

Please support and share my community work..

Paul Kennedy

* Paul Kennedy is an ex-addict who founded the Addiction Survival Course in Coventry, West Midlands, UK. The Addiction Survival Course provides support and counselling for people who have a desire to quit Cocaine and whom do not wish to spend a lifetime ‘in recovery.’ Paul provides house call support, therapy sessions, volunteer services and a help line clinic to the West Midlands area and global phone consultations when he isn’t writing his help guide for addicts who wish to be set free from the grips of addiction…. 

www.addictionsurvivalcourse.co.uk

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Family – Trauma, violence, abuse, denial… the makings of an addict… Concluded.

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