One child grows up to be
Somebody that just loves to learn
And another child grows up to be
Somebody you’d just love to burn
Mom loves the both of them
You see, it’s in the blood
Both kids are good to mom
Blood’s thicker than mud
Family Affair – Sly & The Family Stone
In previous articles I’ve observed, concluded and asserted the role of trauma in addiction…
Experts with far more time served in observation have concluded the connection for long enough now.
After many attempts to stop searching for pain relief (quit drugs and associated lifestyle) it was only out of good fortune that I came to the realisation myself… You see drugs are somewhat good at temporarily masking pain…
They’re also good at masking the reasons why you’re going for pain relief at all, turning your mental processes into mind soup. When you’re going in and out of pain relief whilst no one else is giving a fuck because we’re still in the stigma age of addiction acceptance as an illness. Its a bit like living in the deep South of the U.S. as a black man in the bad old days… Look how long that took to inch forward a little bit… Perhaps more like the unfortunate way some of us still address or look at disabled people. No wonder so many addicts check out…
I’m not blaming my circumstances, my upbringing or my family for me being an ex-addict. That was my choice, but let me tell you, my loved ones, sure as shit kept me an addict.
Out of my good fortune and stupidity I was forced to face my trauma through Bonnie’s unconditional and unfailing love.
I’d be dead for sure without her.
The trauma was deep and buried, disguised within me as a problem with the drug. ‘He had drug problems,’ ‘he was a waster,’ ‘poor little addict.’
Recently I saw some daylight and after fighting a mental battle with withdrawal I finally had better days. I built on my progress and then failed again. I just couldn’t work out why.
I had become a door mat for many members of my extended family, I instantly recognised in Bonnie when it was also happening to her. A beautiful, serene embodiment of love and care… a heart so full. I saw the abuse of her; like Cinderella being picked on by two jealous ugly Sisters and a Mother who didn’t know how to love her for some reason long forgotten.
So If I could see it in her why couldn’t I wake up to my trauma and its causes?
I’m not so fussed about that now as I am just happy to be cleaned up free from a need for pain relief as I say goodbye for good to all the abusers and abuse deniers in my extended family circle.
If not the direct cause they sure as hell were great enablers of personal pain. I think because of all I witnessed as a child and seeing them do not much to help then I became conditioned to garner they’re acceptance of me, to offer me salvation from my pain then that facilitated my acceptance of their behavior in later times. I do my Uncle and Auntie a disservice here… They rescued me from a violent, traumatic home-life and gave me shelter in London at 16… I will always be grateful to them for this.
The pain of trauma was deep rooted. My healer of fabulous talent had under Bonnie’s direction been teaching me calm and mindfulness through meditation, deep relaxation and also heart tapping. This had shown good results and indeed got me to the next point of progress, one day however I went to see her in bits.
I wasn’t able to focus on my daily structured disciplines we had worked out together. I had just buried my Father and was faced with the usual family ignorance, abuse, lies and denials. It was an ordeal where people where lying to my face about the Father I adored and who had been so important to me. They were pissing on his character, a good friend of mine and Dad’s had once remarked ‘he was the only Gentlemen I have encountered on the Island’ that they lived. He was a great man and though we fell out as Dad’s and Son’s do, we came back to each other with an unbreakable bond. These spineless ‘relatives’ lied to my face and made me feel worthless and frustrated in their own search for solace for being poor relations in their dealings with him.
I thought I just needed a hit, I did. I absolutely did, the pain was unbearable. Much documented, this kind of situation when you are weak makes you feel you are going insane when people lie to you about their fantasy relationships with someone you know had been traumatised himself by their preoccupation in life to bother their asses about him. Luckily Bonnie was at hand again to fight these demons with me. Back with the healer I cried and said I couldn’t shift the pain, I lied to her about needing pain relief but she knew anyway.
We had to go the final step, many addicts don’t need to do this, don’t need to go this deep… but many do, so please consider this if you have a feeling trauma is deep rooted, someone else may tell you.. ‘it was when you were a kid.’ ‘its the past that you mask.’ ‘that dark place you cannot go…’
Find yourself a highly recommended alternative healer preferably of Eastern origin who you grow to trust with and get done as what was done to me.
I sat there and for about 30 mins focused on her making fast then slow movements of her palm as it went back, forth, up and down, side it side, I found it hard to focus but eventually we got there… I was told after to lie down and repeat many affirmations regarding where I was, how I’d come to the realisation to address my trauma and relinquish my pain relief for my own good. I confirmed the past was now dealt with and I would commit to a life in the now, a life of service to others and with that, the future would look after itself.
I woke up on her instruction from this deep relaxation and hypnotism and cried like an infant, I cried out of joy as I’d felt this demon of trauma and pain from my childhood abuse extracted from my gut, also gone was the current pain of abuse that had been going on for the last 10 years by my sibling and its denial by others.
I forgave her, it was subconscious for her, the pain she felt, It was too much for the extended family to take on or accept when I cried out in my own ‘weakness’ for acceptance of its existence.
This can never happen, that I know now. Its too much for them to surmount. Recently I was a fool to think someone might listen and try to understand my position. it was another affirmation to stay grounded. Bonnie was in bits, made to sob yet again by my own bloods denial of the elephant in the room.
Stay grounded and remove the problem I’ve come to conclude. I’ll remove myself and not put my heart on the line again.
If you are stuck in addiction related pain suppression and you suspect trauma is deep, then at some point you will need to deal with it in order to walk away from your addiction. Seek help from outside your circle, I am available to offer help and assistance as always: firstname.lastname@example.org
I’m 46 and still learning but I know that I am making the right decision to say goodbye to most of my ‘family.’ They have been abusers and abuse deniers I shall not miss them.
I love you all but I can’t ever let you in again.
Please support and share my community work..
* Paul Kennedy is an ex-addict who founded the Addiction Survival Course in Coventry, West Midlands, UK. The Addiction Survival Course provides support and counselling for people who have a desire to quit Cocaine and whom do not wish to spend a lifetime ‘in recovery.’ Paul provides house call support, therapy sessions, volunteer services and a help line clinic to the West Midlands area and global phone consultations when he isn’t writing his help guide for addicts who wish to be set free from the grips of addiction….